“Growth is not the absence of struggle”

That is really resonating with me right now. I am lonely, I feel empty, I have this pit in my chest. But I am not crying.

No tears are clouding my vision. I am not screaming in agony, though I want to. Instead, I am going about my day. I am living with the emptiness. It hurts. I feel like I need. I am hungry. My whole body is aching.

But I sent an email; actually multiple. I’m doing my work. I am following my calendar. I am living and existing with the pain. I guess I always wanted it to go away, instead of trying to live with it. Instead of trying to do what I could.

I am in pain, but the pain is not overwhelming anymore. This hole in my heart still makes me want to die, but I want to live too.

I have grown a little more. I have gotten a little better, but I must keep going. Even here there is agony, anxiety, pressure, weight, pain, malice, and apathy. I cannot live here. I cannot rest. I must keep going. I must keep growing.

Then maybe I can give to others