The Split Man

What is Anger?

For much of my childhood, it was my enemy. It was alcohol. It was the thing that kept me away from loving people how I wanted to and really caring for them. It was intoxicating. The rage, the feelings of justification. When I’m angry I feel the weight of the world pushing me, guiding me; telling me that my will is correct. I was angry all the time. Everything set me off. Everything was wrong. There was an instance of anger in my younger years where I got so angry that I pulled my pocket knife out and cut my arm so that I wouldn’t hurt the person I was angry at. I knew that my anger was the worst part of my being. The stain on my existence.

So I changed my mindset. I found a loophole in my brain and somehow figured out how to convert my anger into sadness. And so my life was plagued. Now I only fall victim to rage, flashes of anger. Instances of cracking in the great wall that I have set up in my mind.

This peace was new. I was settled, I was calm, I was apathetic, I was sad, and then I was lost. I am a lost soul with no direction.

But what is Anger?

Rage, frustration, displeasure, disease, or something or other that makes someone unhappy. But that is not an answer; those are feelings.

So what is Anger?

I’ve been getting angrier. The boundaries in my mind are slipping. I’ve been getting numb. My knuckles are swollen some mornings, but, at least the numbness went away.

But for the first time in a long time, I felt what I had been missing since childhood. deep anger.

What is the nature of Anger?

What do you feel when you are angry?

I feel Justified, Driven, even Confident. That wall has been holding me back. That wall shouldn’t be there. That isn’t to give myself over to the emotions of my will, but instead to make way for a new path. To build a dam where the wall once was.  To harness that energy, will, and single mindedness. That’s what anger does for me. It unites my mind into a single flow. It gives me a peaceful stream to stand by. That peace, that drive, that justificatison, and confindence is mine. I just forgot how to use it because I only knew it within the context of anger, but I see different now. I see that I am not a sad boy with no drive, but neither am I raging pessimistic man. I am Me and I am Myself.

One response to “The Split Man”

  1. Very powerful and moving post. I pray you keep enduring and continue improving as a man each day.

    Like

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