In the face of overwhelming ignorance, I find it hard to ever desire anything. I am existing without purpose. No idea is guiding my steps. I am stagnant.
I am going nowhere.
I am lost in a sea of apathy; with no compass to guide my way. No path and no way out. I couldn’t leave if I wanted to.
That does not matter in any way. I don’t really care to leave. I do not care to stay. I’m just done caring. I don’t know if this is due to being tired of living, being overwhelmed by emotions until my receptors go numb, or just plain cynicism. I am a husk; only kept moving by a basic instinct to live, eat, and mate.
There isn’t much past that for me.
Even writing this feels like leftovers from when this made me feel something. Or maybe I never felt anything. Maybe I just idealized the things that I’ve done to give myself a reason to keep moving forward. Maybe I have peaked. Maybe the best feelings that I will experience in life has passed. It’s very possible that I will never be happy again. If all that is left of my existence is ever decreasing feelings of being alive, then I see no point. That does not mean killing myself, but what kind of life is worth living without purpose. If I can’t enjoy this joke of a life, then what the fuck am I doing.