Fears, Love, and emptiness

I am scared.

I am fearful of failure in the important parts of my life. People.

I am scared of rejection. I am scared of betrayal. I am scared of being left behind; of being the second choice. I am afraid of holding people dear. I am afraid of cherishing people. I try and succeed. but the fear has not left.

I am scared of being unloved. This fear guides much of my life and actions. I strongly believe that if you want something done to you, you need to do it to others. I try to show love at every turn, but my love receptors are broken. I feel like I can never feel love. Giving it seems to be the only thing that makes me feel some distant feeling akin to love, but it is something that leaves me empty. I give and give and give, but I am numb to the return on investment. I know people show me love, but knowledge is not feeling; it is not experience. my heart yearns to feel and experience love, but it is not near.

They say I am loving, but nobody can give what they do not have. What am I giving out? if it is really love, does that mean that I am just discontent and feel entitled to more? What am I to do? It is painful to live in a loveless world. Am I doomed to live in a life of agony?

Is it this way for all humans? How do people make it past 25? How do people not throw themselves off buildings.

How can I feel one thing, but a moment later feel nothing. does love not have some kind of residue. What is to be done. I am barely making it. It hurts to live. to wake up, to laugh, to cry, to die. Nothing is peaceful and life is pain.

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