Without

What does it mean to be without?

Without love. Without peace. without care. without pain.

I do not know what it means to be without. But there are things in this world that cannot be quantified. I do not know what it means to have no love, but I feel what it means. I know the feeling. I know what it feels like when there is no one you can trust. I know what it feels like to be condemned, to feel alone. I know what the emptiness says when it calls out from the gaping hole in your heart.

I can feel what it means to be without peace. I feel the torrents of water- when they crash against each other, when they carve out the insides of your head, when the force of the water colliding causes pounding in your skull. I Feel the chaos. I hear the voices inside. Some of them are family, some of them are friends, and some of them are me. I hear them all screaming out. The all just sound like screams after a while.

I see it when there is no care. I often see nothing but cases. empty bags walking around. They hold information. I want to see what’s inside and disregard the rest. I want to understand these bags, these empty cases of carelessness. Maybe then I’ll understand what’s inside of me.

I know what it means to be without pain. The smiles of loved ones. the hope of new possibilities. The scale of pain in these moments never reach zero, but the amount is so low that it is untraceable. that is the life that I want.

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