I have recently had a realization. My sad carries over, but my happiness does not. When I hangout with people, play my games, draw, or do something that I enjoy, I can feel happy, but I definitely feel bad. When I feel happy, the bad feeling moves to the corner, but when I am full of dread, my happiness is nowhere to be found. My heart is filled with the pain of the absence of joy. When I feel joy, and it leaves, it adds that missing feeling to my heart. The weight is ever growing. The burden is heavy and I feel crushed under the weight.
The ball and chain filled with the “emptiness of joy” holds me down. When I am presented with a chance to make myself happy, I am immediately reminded of the future emptiness that will accompany the absence of the happiness. This sways me to not pursue that chance. This is one of the. Things that stops my from being happy. Fear of that happiness leaving.
Am I to spend each moment chasing after happiness? If there was a 100% chance of success with happiness, then that life wouldn’t be to bad, but happiness is not assured in any action. I will say that certain actions have varying likelihoods of happiness, but most do not go above 80%.
Happiness is fleeting. I feel as though nothing gives me lasting happiness. It is hard to live this is one of the things that makes life not worth living, but gladly I have no reason to die.
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