I feel like there is a craving for love and intimacy in everyone, but since I cannot speak for them, I will focus on myself.
These things that I feel, specifically my desire for romantic companionship, seem to be an instinctual craving, more of a need. This craving is not just sexual. this is even more so an emotional need. That being said, it would be wrong of me to say that my sexuality has no play when it comes to having a companion; I’m a 19 year old guy, and my body is working fine, but it would also be wrong to say that my sex drive is the primary source of my desire for someone. We can say that my desire for someone is a combination of emotional, physical, and intellectual needs.
[I cringe at the word “intellectual”. It is often used by people who think that they are better than others or are entitled to certain things. I felt the need to include it because that is a honest need for me.]
Now that all of that is out of the way, let me say what is on my mind. Part of my loneliness stems from a completely ok, but none the less reason. Nobody has wanted me. besides one time, which I do not count because it was on a cruise ship and she only knew me for 4 days. This is not the main reason for my loneliness, but it is some that I cannot ignore when discussing my heart.
It feels empty being alone. the worst thing about this is having someone to hold and to love only solves part of the problem. I will still feel empty.
I have never been in a real relationship. it sucks saying this, because there are societal pressures and personal pressures to be in a romantic relationship. I normally do not care about societal norms, unless I agree with them. If I agree with them, then the pressure doubles. being alone for someone who wants it is great; being alone for someone who craves companionship is tough.
What did being rejected since 9 years old do to a human? well, it did different things in my life. at certain times it has made me like girls I probably would never have gone for. among other things, which I am having a hard time putting into words.
What about now? I do not know what the problem is. I do not completely believe in the friend zone or what ever, but it is the best I can do to rationalize it. I get complements on my personality from peers, teachers, and older adults, but it seems like I have a very friendly one. Granted I am not the most attractive person, so maybe I’m just to ugly to be in a romantic relationship. that is pretty funny, but sometimes you need to laugh to soften the blow.
I’ll be honest, it does kind of get me down when there seems to be a sign saying “DO NOT HAVE ROMANTIC INTEREST” above me, but there is nothing to be done. all I can do is not think about it too much and work on being a better person. not for romance, but for myself.
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