Is love attainable

Why is the emptiness satisfied by love? Is it just loneliness? When I️ am hungry I️ get food, when I️ am thirsty I️ drink, why is it that I️ cannot satisfy the pit on my own? Is there a way to? Self love seems like an unattainable thing. How could I love what has made my life so hard? How is it possible to like the most disgusting and repulsive person I️ know? How is it possible for others? People who advocate self love say “If you do not love yourself, who can love you” or “love yourself, because no one will do I️t for you”, but I️ cannot love me.

People often ask me how I️ am so friendly and why I️ am so nice. They look at my actions, but they do not know my thoughts. I️ am not kind and I️ am not friendly. I️ am in pain. I️t hurts. My mind is screaming “They are faking being nice to you” “your disgusting” “You shouldn’t try to lose weight, you’ll be just as ugly” “Killing yourself would hurt others like a slap on the wrist, they would get over I️t after a week”. When I️ look in the mirror I️ see and ugly man, but when I️ look inside I️ see an ugly monster. I️ am so tired of this monster. I️ am tired of myself. I️t hurts to live like this. I️t hurts to live without love.

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