When did I lose it?

When did I lose my passion? When did I lose my drive? When did I lose my hope that life would look work out if I tried my best? The answer is simply, when I started thinking my life was a movie where everything went wrong. Things would not work out, or at least that’s what I told myself. That’s what killed it, that’s what killed my vibe. Those lies I told myself has shaped me into the man I am today.

Acting like your life is a movie and everything will work out is a terrible and self-destructive behavior, but opposite is just as bad.

No matter how I look at it, when I look back on my younger life,  I see that the only trauma, emotionally and physically, I have ever gotten has been from myself. I am my on worse enemy. I my life were a book, it would be a man vs. self. I have always felt a dual nature inside of me. My life has always been a constant struggle of which man in my heart would win out. The angel and demon on the shoulder is a good representation of what daily life is like, but what is very interesting is that the demon is never obvious.

The angel usually wins in my actions, but the demon wins in my heart. my actions often are good, many people view me as nice, or as a moral person, but I do not see that, mainly because I see my heart. I see what I do to myself and my mind when no one is around. I could never call a man like that righteous or right or moral. It would truly be laughable, if it weren’t so sad.

The most interesting part though is that God knows all that and more. He knows my heart better than I do. And yet he welcomes me in. And yet he offers his son. The is really incomprehensible. I do not understand this reality. It makes no sense, but God is. I don’t know what he has planned for me, but I have confidence knowing that God is the author of this book, that is life.

 

 

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