I don’t know if I’ll ever be me. I am turning 19 tomorrow. When I look back at my existence I don’t see anything of worth. I see me. I see someone who is selfish and pitiful. I see someone who draws others into their sadness. I see someone who depends on sadness to be their companion. I see someone who deprecates themselves. I see someone who wallows in self pity.
When I was 9 I started thinking for myself and discovering. This is what I call the time I became “Conscious”. The first time I took a hard look at myself I had thoughts of suicide. That was almost ten years ago. I do not know if I have taken a hard look at myself since then. To be completely honest I’m am scared to.
I am scared that I won’t get out of the cycle of self-deprecation that looking at my self brings me. I fear that I will spiral and neglect the opportunities I have been given. I am scared that I’ll reach the same conclusion. I am very scared. Mainly because 9 year old was very scared of death, but I am not.
My existence has been a bad one. The people that I have truly loved, apart from family, are no longer parts of my life. They left for good reasons. Some because I’m too pushy and rushy. Others because of my obsessive nature. Others because of my selfishness towards them. Some of them left because they saw me for who I was.
I don’t know if I’ll ever know myself, because I’m too scared to get over my on brokenness and shame and selfishness. I’m too scared to look. Well…. almost. These word are the close to self realization. well… they’re as close as I’m gonna be today.
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