I’ve been experiencing the same thing for the last month. I go through the motions. I try to grow myself as a human being. I do well in school. I even have a few things lined up for myself. Over all the day is pretty good, but then the night hits.
When the night comes, I try to do everything I can to distract myself. If I distract myself I won’t think that hard. It never works. I can’t stop thinking. I can’t stop the thoughts.i can’t stop the insults. I can’t stop the hopelessness. I can’t stop the despair. I can’t do anything to make the guilt go away.
The pain is still here, because I’m still here. My enemy will never go away. I like to compare life to books. If my life were a book it would be a man vs self.
My self has done quite a few things. He has hurt people, but the main thing he hurts is My self. He is there to tear me down when ever I am happy. He is there to feed me bad thoughts. He is there hurt me. I an myself, my own worse enemy.
I’ve never liked me, that’s probably why it’s like this. When I was young I used to hit myself when I was angry. I have always been disgusted with myself. When I would look into a mirror as a kid, I would cry. I Hated the way I look, I Hated the way I acted, I hated My self. These feelings are coming back.
For the first time in years I hit myself again. I have had bad nights recently. When I’m tired my loneliness hits me. I don’t know what to do. Part of my wants to get past this I don’t want to be sad forever. O don’t want to be alone. But another part of me likes it and feeds off of these destructive feelings. Hopefully the former will win out.