I’m tired of my unwillingness to move. No more will I wait on the back burner. I cannot live holding myself back anymore.
This year and a half have taught me a lot, but I can see a thread running through the blanket of my life that is blue and out of place. This thread is indecision. I have never been able to decide on things. That has lead to three different chains. The first is censorship. I have censored myself for as long as I can remember. I have lost some of the ability to be true to others about myself, which has made me almost unable to be true to myself.
The second is the feeling of being stuck. I consistently feel the feeling of being stuck. This leads to self deprecation and the hurting of others. I get into a mode of hurting myself when I do things I don’t like. Whether it be verbal, physical, or relational, I will somehow hurt my self. I will also hurt others. I drive people away. From smothering to cutting connections, I make it hard to be around me. I think its because I make everything about me. I do it under the guise of friendship or wisdom, but it never is.
The final thing is obsession. I get possessive over things that are not mine. I feel like I need this one thing for the last 10 years it’s been a girlfriend. I have ruined and halted a few relationships because of this. I obsess and fantasize conversation. I sometimes think they actually happen. Fly family on my mom’s side do the same thing.
I will no longer do these things I hope to better one day, but I will make sure that until that day arrives I won’t hurt anyone else.